When Someone Takes His Own Life

This following by Norman Vincent Peale was sent to me today:           

Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and his strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he had lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won!

For one thing, he has won our admiration. Because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honorable. We shall remember not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years that we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years that he had.

Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know, and He understands.

God Is Watching Over You

Today was the day I have been dreading and I know my mom was dreading even more. Mom had her first 6-hour-long chemotherapy today. But we had so many people praying for us, and I truly felt it all day today. We had to arrive at 5:45 am at St. Dominic’s Hospital in Jackson, so we left home at 3:45am. So I just assumed tiredness would be an issue, but I am really not that tired. I believe God provided the energy to endure today (plus, He provided plenty of sources of caffeine!). Also, Tommy and I prayed last night for energy but also that I would get back in time for our small group Bible study tonight. I really want to be there because I very much feel the need for their support right now. And we got back in plenty of time.

God started this morning at the hospital with the most amazing blessing! She truly must be an angel in human form. Mom had to be admitted for the doc to surgically implant a port for her chemo treatment. Well, the nurses’ aid who took us to her room to prepare for surgery was one of the most precious people I have ever met. She shared my mom’s name, Mary. She started with, “Oh, Mary, Mary, Mary!  You and me–we was among the first people to see our good Lord rise from the dead.” She never stopped praising the  Lord from the moment we met her until the moment we parted. Mom commented on an angel pin she was wearing. Mary exclaimed, “That’s right! I’m your angel today!” Then Emmanuel entered to do an EKG on Mom and apparently continuing an ongoing conversation with Mary said, “Paul said, ‘I am not ashamed!” Mary said, “That’s right! I was just talking about that with Ms. Mary. Ms. Mary and her daughter thought they were coming to the hospital alone today. They didn’t know they was going to be here with family. We’re all family.”

While Mom was in surgery I left the door open to the room so I could listen to Mary bless people up and down the hall. Outside my door another woman shared with Mary about her son. Mary responded, “You sure are blessed! You have a lot to be thankful for!” As she walks down the hall, she prays loudly, “We thank you, Lord Jesus, for all that you do for us! It’s all about You, God. It’s not about us, it’s all about You!” Mary also shared with us how she got a wake up call from God about one of the doctors one night at 2 am. God wanted her to bless this doctor and shared some scripture with her so that Mary could make sure this doctor understood what her purpose is. I’m trying to picture this nurse’s aid telling a doctor what her purpose is in life. But I believe Mary could get away with it.

Mary wheeled Mom over to the wing where her doctor’s office was after surgery because she “wanted to finish her mission.” While I was signing Mom in, I overheard Mary just encouraging Mom. Mom was thanking Mary for her extreme kindness to us. Mary exclaimed, “Oh, it’s not me! I was MEANT to meet you today! I was MEANT to!” Then before she left, she took my hand and said just the words I was needing to hear, “You be strong! You stay in the word cause that’s where we get our strength. Stay in the word then you’ll be strong like me!” How did she know I was wishing that I could be more like her? Before she left us, she said, “Ms. Mary, don’t you think I’m gonna forget about you cause I’m not. I’m gonna be praying for you.”  I just spent a good bit of time praising God for sending Mary to us today.

Although Mom’s treatment was long, it went by quickly. Mom said that I could go out shopping or to eat if I wanted. It was tempting, especially since there was a Target nearby. But I resisted because I knew that I really just needed some time to sit in quiet and pray and rest in the Word for awhile, especially with all that’s been going on. My time was just what I needed. The waiting room was empty most of the time I was there. And I found an incredible book in the waiting room on Francis of Assisi! I read a good bit and used a lot of paper copying quotes. I was tempted to steal the waiting room copy, but I resisted. I’ve decided it’s a must-buy.

Mom’s surgery and treatment both went as well as could possibly be expected. She got to read and nap in a recliner in a room with huge windows and a great view. She felt fine, but the nurse said she probably wouldn’t feel bad until the second day after chemo. Mom and I had plenty of time for great conversations on the drive there and back. Such a blessing. Even though Mom lives near us, it seems we hardly have time to talk. She’ s usually picking up the boys to spend the night, and it’s hard to get a word in with them around. We usually have to schedule a night out just the two of us to catch up periodically.

So when I was trying to title this blog, the Phil Joel song “God Is Watching Over You” kept coming to mind. It’s a real energetic, feel-good song that has a special meaning to me. Here’s the lyrics:

He sees you down by the water line
Know what you’re thinking all the time
He sees the rising of the waves
When the tide starts rolling in
He lets you know it’s gonna be o.k.

He sees you dancing in the moonlight
His arms around you hold ya tight
And if those clouds should start to break
He’ll be standing out in the rain with you
And though it’s hard to believe
He believes in you

God is watching over you
As always
You are loved
Whatever you go through
He’s right beside you
God is watching over you
As always
And if you think He’ll ever leave you
You better think again

Painted in the sky a rainbow to remind you
Nothing that is broken
Cannot be made new
He knows when ya feel so far away
He’s gonna keep the night light on
He’s waiting there to receive you

You are loved
Wherever you go

Through fire, through wind and through rain
Yesterday, today and tomorrow the same
Nothing here can take this love
Nothing you could do will break this love
Climb a tree, gonna reach so high
Swing low sweet chariot
It’s time to fly
He sees you down by the water line

Thanks so much to everyone who has lifted Mom up in prayer!

Penny

Last night after I posted yesterday’s blog, I started thinking after crying awhile that I did not write about the good things about Penny. She was very much a people person. She loved to talk, but she was great at listening. She looked you intently in the eye and REALLY listened. She was a great laugher. She laughed often and loudly. She made me laugh more and realize my need to laugh more often instead of taking life so seriously all of the time. She was great fun to be around, one of those people who is very hard not to like. When I look back at pictures of Penny, I just remember someone so FULL OF LIFE. She seemed more full of life than most people do. She truly had that sparkle of life in her eyes. She was bubbly, just overflowing with life.

She had great compassion. She had a tender place in her heart for animals. She moved here to Mississippi with a cat and a dog. But it seems every time I talked to her she had a adopted another stray cat. She had a strong sense of justice. She was not afraid to question why things are the way they are, to question why things couldn’t be better. She had a tremendous amount of endurance for the hard things in life. I just ache when I think of all of the things she went through in her life, especially when I realize that I probably only know a small part of it all. But she endured for a long time. I know that the place she had be at in order to take her own life was a result of the bipolar disorder. My heart breaks to think of her all alone feeling like that was the only choice she had. But I know that this was not the real Penny. The real Penny is the one I know and remember.

I do not believe that God wanted Penny to take her life. But I do believe that He is just as sad as I am when He looks at all she had to go through in her life. And I believe that He is full of joy that her suffering is finally over, just as I am. I believe that Penny is finally healed and at peace and full of the life that is truly life, and that’s the way she will be forever. Hallelujah!

My husband Tommy played The Fray’s song How To Save a Life for me last night. It was inspired when the lead singer was mentoring a drug-addicted teenager. You can hear it and read the lyrics here.

Whew!

Sorry, there’s no adoptiong news. There’s an update on our family, then some pretty depressing stuff that’s been going on. So if you want a cheery e-mail don’t read past paragraph two.

Fall is in full swing, and life is crazy around here. Eli and Caleb are both playing flag football on Monday and Thursday afternoons. They have both started a World Drumming class at the university music department. Their instructor is a fabulous drummer and teacher, and they are both loving it. While they are in class, Titus and I get to spend some time together just the two of us. We walk around campus looking at the construction or go to the library. It’s really nice to have some time to focus on just him. He’s been kind of pitiful this year since Caleb has started having to do a good bit more school work. Caleb and Titus are big buddies, so Titus seems kind of lost while Caleb’s doing school. But whenever Caleb’s done, they get dressed up in costumes and off they go on some grand adventure.

A funny: A few weeks ago I was about to read a book to Caleb and Titus called Where Do Babies Come From? When I read the title, Titus quickly responded, “I know…from China!” How sweet! I love that he thinks it’s just a natural thing that babies come from China!

So life has been good, just extremely busy. Then we got hit with two bombshells, one last week and one this week. Several weeks ago I went to Jackson with my mom for her to have a hysterectomy. She was not having any problems, but we have a lot of breast cancer in her family. So a couple of years ago when my 31-year-old cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer, the doctor suggested that we all have genetic testing. There’s a detectable genetic mutation that causes breast and ovarian cancer. So mom was tested and tested positive–she had breast cancer over 20 years ago. Her doctor strongly recommended that she have her ovaries removed because of the difficultly detecting ovarian cancer in the early stages. And, of course, at her age, they wanted to go ahead and do a complete hysterectomy. She had the surgery done robotically, and let me tell you that this is the way to go if you ever have to have this kind of surgery. She had the surgery on a Thursday and went home on Friday with only 5 puncture wounds so small that they put band-aids on them before we left. She did fantastic and did not even need me to stay with her Friday night. She was mostly resting but was able to get up and get whatever she needed. So she’s been doing great. Then she went back for a follow-up visit Wednesday of last week, and she was just blown away to find out that she has fallopian tube cancer. It is an extremely rare cancer, but they think they caught it in the early stages–she was having no symptoms. She will have to have chemotherapy and radiation. I am going with her next Monday for her first treatment. Her treatments are six hours long. She will have three treatments three weeks apart, then several weeks of radiation, then three more treatments three weeks apart. She is doing pretty well since recovering from the shock of it all. I would greatly appreciate any prayers lifted up on her behalf.

Then just today we found out that my cousin who lives 30 miles away committed suicide on Tuesday. Her body was just discovered today. It’s a really sad story. My cousins Pam and Penny had their lives forever changed when their mother died of breast cancer when they were just six- and four-years-old. They grew up in New Hampshire far away from the rest of our family. We saw them for a few weeks every summer when they would come to visit. Most of my memories of them are playing with them at my Mamaw’s house. We would hear stories from them of how bad their lives at home were during these visits. But they were just kids and no one knew what was really true. As they got older and began to get in trouble for shoplifting and other things, several family members including my mom and dad tried to get custody of them so that they could live here. But their father would not give up custody. Pam lived in a foster home, had her first child at around 17. Penny ran away from home at 16, and I believe she lived on her own after that. Over the years they would send letters and photos to my Mamaw, and sporadically they would come visit. Pam had another daughter not long after the first, then later got married and had a third daughter. Several years ago when my Mamaw died we had to make many phone calls to track them down to let them know. At that time we found our that Pam had committed suicide about a year before. Her dad and stepmother flew to Florida where she lived, had her cremated, scattered her ashes, and left. They did not let any of the family know. This was really a blow to us because we are a pretty close family. At that time we also got in touch with Penny who was living in Florida as well. She came for a visit that spring, began e-mailing many of our family, and it was at that time that I suggested to her that she move to Mississippi to be close to family. She said that she would think about it. Penny had a history of drug abuse and a problem keeping jobs, so after she lost her job and had no luck finding another she moved here. My family let her live in my Mamaw’s old trailer so that she wouldn’t have too many expenses starting out. The trailer is where my Mamaw’s house used to be–the one where Pam and Penny would come visit every summer. Penny always said that the best memories of her childhood were the times at Mamaw’s. So I thought it was such a good place for her to make a fresh start. She found a good job and started dating a guy and seemed really happy. There were times when we would hear about her missing a lot of work, or problems at work, or other problems. She was on medication for bipolar disorder and would have times of extreme depression. But whenever we talked to her, she would be open about the hard times, but she always said that she was doing better and things were going good. Whenever we asked her about drug use, she always adamantly denied it. Well, she was suspended from work for several weeks (we found out today that it was for a positive drug test) and was supposed to go back yesterday. When she did not show up and could not be reached, someone from work called the family. So this morning her body was found in her trailer.

I was talking to my close friend, Angie, about Penny this morning. We began discussing ways to help people like Penny who will not let you help them. My first thoughts when I found out about Penny were that I should have called her more, kept in touch better. But the more I think about it, the more I believe that it would not have made a difference. I feel like Penny and I had gotten to be pretty close since she moved here. We would get together periodically, and we had great conversations. She was very open about her past and about how she was trying to follow God now. But she was never open about how she was really doing now. Things were always good or getting better. So Angie and I were trying to figure out how to love people like Penny. Angie and I have been close friends for almost 20 years, and we discussed the “dark secrets” in our lives that we have been afraid to share even with each other. “What we are really afraid of, ” Angie said, “is judgement.” We are afraid of that even from people who we know love us deeply. So how much harder for Penny who was shown very little love in her life and most of the people in her life were untrustworthy. Does anyone know how to love someone like that? How do you convince somebody that you love them unconditionally? Anyone with answers please let me know.

Anyway, I do believe that Penny is at peace now. She knew God and tried her best to follow him; she was just always haunted by her past. From what Penny told me, her sister Pam came to know God and is actually the one who introduced Penny to God. Although I will miss Penny, my hope is that Pam and Penny are finally at peace and with their beautiful mother who loved them dearly.

My counsin, Debbie, Penny, & I last year on what used to be the steps to my Mamaw’s house

Penny and her Great Dane, Jacob

Pam, their mother Sissy, & Penny shortly before Sissy died