All I Need

Eli and I have been reading a book about Brother Yun, a Chinese house church leader who has experienced a great deal of suffering because of his faith. It has made me realize how small my faith is. I thought that my faith was pretty strong, but all it took was an extremely strong-willed five-year-old to make me doubt whether I should have followed the dream God put on my heart over 13 years ago. All of this has made me think alot and given me a chance to share with Eli how God works through the different circumstances of our lives.

Often we think we in the US are the ones who are so blessed. But in many ways our blessing is a curse because we have so much that we do not have to rely on God as much as those in impoverished countries or countries where Christian persecution is common. Their faith is constantly tested and thus grows to levels ours never does because we are so rarely put in circumstances beyond our control. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to trade places with any of them. I just wonder how much we are missing because we have so much.

The miracles Brother Yun shares in the book make me wonder how many times our lack of faith keeps us from seeing God at work. Some of the miracles that happened to Brother Yun and other believers in China are small things, but I wonder if I would just overlook them as coincidence or explain them away. Or maybe it is because of their tremendous faith that God does answer their prayers in extraordinary ways.

In Matthew 17 when the disciples asked Jesus why they could not heal the boy possessed with a demon, Jesus replied, “You don’t have enough faith. I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

I do think that God places us where we are for a reason. So I am content to live the life He has given me. And I am so thankful that I am still a work in progress. He continues to stretch me beyond my own abilities to rely on His great strength and endless love.

And, of course, this reminds me of a song. Sorry, couldn’t find a video. But here are the lyrics to Caedmon’s Call song “All I Need (I Did Not Catch Her Name)”

I did not catch her name

I did not catch her tears

But they hit me like a train

When her story hit my ears

Mother of eight sons

Father off to war

Got no home address

Just bricks on a dirt floor

And she said Jesus is all I need

Tiny plot of land

Corn stored up in piles

The years it doesn’t rain

They just stay hungry for a while

With no fatted calf to kill

She made a feast of cuy and corn and said

Who else knew my name before

The day that I was born

Jesus is all I need

Jesus is all I need

And then she bragged about her boys

And how they’re growing into men

And how they learned to praise the Lord

Old style Ecuadorian

But to buy the new guitar

We had to sell to swine

See my boys go to school on a foreign angel’s dime

This world calls me poor

I bore my babies on this floor

But He always provides

Sure as the sun will rise

So I sing Him songs of praise

‘Cause I know He keeps me in His gaze

Rain fell from the sky

We raced back to the van

Tears in the eyes

Of this poor forgetful man

Mother of eight sons

She knows the peace of God

Lord, help me learn to lean on

Thy staff and Thy rod

Last Week Was SO MUCH BETTER!

“But I am trusting in you, O Lord, saying, ‘You are my God!’ My future is in your hands.” Psalm 31: 14, 15

I have been meaning to write this post since last Thursday to let all of you faithful prayer warriors know that your prayers are being answered. Some days are harder than others, but overall things are gradually getting much easier. I know that this is largely due to so many people praying for us.

One HUGE encouragement to me has been joining the yahoo group for older children adopted from China. Thanks, Vickie, for pointing out how very different older child adoption is from toddler or infant adoption and suggesting this group. After reading just three days of messages I knew I had found the right place! This is a GREAT resource for any of you adopting older kids.

We attempted to do school last week, and I think that Rachel is sort of learning our routine as relaxed as that is. The great weather helped also. She loves playing outside. Caleb and Titus do too. So we did a good bit of our schoolwork out on the porch so that she could play nearby during school.

She is slowly learning more English and how to get along with her brothers. Sleep is up and down–mostly down last week–lots of night-waking. But my dear husband began getting up for me on Wednesday night (and I didn’t even ask him to ). Mom getting sleep helps the day go so much better. Of course, Dad had a hard time. Rachel does not want Dad when she wakes up, so she usually cries a while before going back to sleep. Some nights she awakened 8-10 times. She did begin sleeping more as the week went on.

Titus had a rough week last week. He is 5–one month younger than Rachel and very much enjoys being the baby of the family. So his world has really been rocked. Rachel doesn’t like me showing attention to any of the boys. But whenever I am talking to or loving on Titus, she tries to push her way in between us. When I won’t let her, she stomps off pouting. I have been telling her since we came home that “Mama ai Eli. Mama ai Caleb….” (Mama loves Eli. Mama loves Caleb….) She has started repeating that to me throughout the day, so hopefully she is beginning to understand.

Titus and Rachel took turns throwing fits last week. Whenever one of them was screaming, the other one put their hands over their ears and vice versa. Titus did get some time alone with Mama and Daddy the weekend before last when Rachel spent a few hours at Granny’s. Then that Saturday afternoon he and I went to see the movie Hotel for Dogs. One day this week when Rachel was screaming, Titus said, “She’s screaming so much that she’s erasing things in my brain! I can’t remember anything from Hotel for Dogs! I’m going to have to go see it again!”

Rachel went to worship with us for the first time last Sunday. We kept her in the service with us instead of sending her to children’s worship. I always enjoy having my children with me in worship anyway. She did much better than I thought she would. We brought lots of things to keep her entertained. At first the music was too loud for her, but after a bit she seemed to enjoy it. She seems to enjoy almost any kind of music. She will dance or bob her head to whatever I have playing at home or in the car. During the lesson anytime the speaker mentioned Jesus, she began singing “Jesus Loves Me.”

She also got her haircut last week. I made appointments for all three of the boys, but Titus did not want to get his haircut. When I told Rachel where we were going (with hand motions), she excitedly pointed to herself. So I told Titus he could wait and get his cut this week with me. Rachel was still a little nervous when her turn came. I held her hands while she got a little trim. I’m letting her hair grow out, but she just need a few shaggy parts trimmed. Tommy was sad to see her Spock side burns go.

Friday evening we went to a rodeo! I had planned on just letting Tommy take the boys. But I decided that Rachel and I would go too. It was a lot of fun! I was afraid the announcer and music would scare her–they were annoyingly LOUD. But not this child. She loved it!

Now for some photos!

Here’s Titus playing knight with the tai chi sword Caleb brought back from China for him. If I am ever in need of rescue, Titus who is I want to fight for me. This kid has a fantastic imagination and spends lots of time in the backyard fighting “bad guys.” Of course, he’d rather have Caleb as a partner, but if Caleb is busy with school or would rather practice football, Titus will play hours by himself.

We had a late and very subdued Chinese New Year celebration at a local Chinese restaurant weekend before last. The waitresses tried to talk to Rachel, but she pretended to be shy. Of course, she turned back into her usual motor mouth as soon as we walked out the door.

Rachel taking a picture of me.

Eli enjoying the ice cream! He’s my lifesaver many days. I really don’t know what I would do without him. He turned 13 last month. Maybe things will get harder as he gets older, but right now he’s an absolute delight to be around.

Titus making a silly face with his puppies at the Chinese restaurant. He has to carry some puppies with him everywhere he goes.

Caleb passed out on the couch after spending the weekend fishing at Grandpa’s house.

Caleb and Titus on the new swingset Tommy built. We and my mom got it for Titus for Christmas because he spent so much time on our ancient swingset. But both Eli and Caleb have enjoyed and Rachel too.

I made a Target trip to Tuscaloosa last Saturday with my good friend Amanda. I bought Rachel these sparkly shoes. She insisted on putting them on immediately.

Caleb came in the room, looked at Rachel’s shoes, made a funny face, and said, “Those shoes are horrible!” As you can tell from the photo, Rachel takes her shoes very seriously.

Okay, here is a photo of Caleb with Molly on Jan. 6th–the day before we left for China.

And here she is today–almost six weeks later. We could hardly believe how much she grew the two weeks we were gone! I can’t find the photo we took of Caleb and Molly the night we came home. Angie, do you have one? Caleb laid in his bed with Molly right after we got home sobbing because he had missed all that time with her and she had changed so much.

Rachel playing outside today

Titus showing me his fighting poses

My Boys Are Amazing!

WARNING: I feel like I should have a big red warning at the top of my blog. “NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART” or “NOT FOR THOSE WHO WOULD RATHER I PAINT A FAKE BUT FALSE PICTURE OF MY LIFE”. If you’ve read me very long, you know that I can’t stand the fake smile “my life is hunky dory because I have Jesus” stuff. I have experienced too much of that in church for most of my life.

I believe that life is often hard because we live in a place where the enemy has been handed a great deal of power. We find our hope in the fact that Christ has already won the victory. And we do have glimpses of heaven and abundant life here. But for many, many people who live their lives for Jesus, life is still hard. In fact, (and this is why there need to be warnings on my blog) if you never have struggles maybe you should question why the enemy isn’t going after you. Are you really a threat to him?

So, if you’re looking for an everything went perfectly and everyone lived happily ever after adoption story, quit reading and come back in a year or two (or 13! ). If you want to follow a family trying our best to follow the dreams that God put on our hearts many years ago, a family who is really struggling with/questioning what went wrong and how God is going to redeem this situation, a family who is relying deeply on our Father to rescue us, help us, guide us, and give us the strength we desperately need for each day, then “Welcome!” Buckle your seatbelt and come along for the ride!

First, a little about me, for those of you who do not know me. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. I began praying for my husband and children nightly from age 13. In fact, I feel like it is my calling. I always made good grades and school was easy for me. I could have done something “bigger.” Instead, I got a bachelor’s in nursing, worked for 1 1/2 years, and then quit work for my dream job–staying home with my kids–13 years ago. I now have three boys, Eli age 13, Caleb age 8, and Titus age 5. I have always stayed home with my kids and have homeschooled them from the time Eli was old enough to start school. Although it is hard at times, teaching my children is actually the thing that brings the most joy to my day. I rely on God to give me strength to get through the hard parts. And having the opportunity to teach my children about Him throughout the day makes all of the hard parts worthwhile.

I say all of this to say that I have met my match. This daughter of mine is bringing out the absolute worst in me. I’m beyond exhausted from lack of sleep. Her personality quirks grate on my nerves constantly. Her inability to do anything gently–play, interact with people, walk across the room, etc. is a source of constant frustration (and self-inflicted injury to her). I am at my wits end most days. Things are SLOWLY getting better, but the lack of sleep makes everything seem like its taking an infinitely long time.

However, my three amazing boys have come to my rescue many times during the past week and a half. Whenever Eli senses that Mom is losing it, he gathers the others up to entertain Suhui for a while so that I can rest. I think that she is learning far more from her interactions with them than she is with me. They patiently correct her over and over and over, telling her “bu hao” (not good), “deng deng” (wait), and showing her the right way to play together.

I wrote most of this post several days ago. This week has been even tougher than last. It’s been hard because I keep thinking, “When is this ever going to get any easier?” But we have had small glimpses of God’s grace to keep us going. And today we seemed to have some sort of breakthrough.

After battling and battling and battling all week over Rachel throwing things when she gets mad and hitting when she wants to get someone’s attention, something just seemed to click tonight. I don’t know how to explain it, but suddenly she seemed to accept the fact that we’re in charge and she has to do what we say and not do the things we tell her not to. I don’t expect it to last forever. But I do hope that maybe we can have at least one more peaceful day.

Rachel has seemed to be getting used to our routine and the way we do things around here. She also seems to be getting much more comfortable, feeling more at home. But that also means that she’s been testing things a little bit more.

She reminds me of my boys when they were toddlers. They would stubbornly try to get their way. We would struggle and struggle with them until they finally realized that mom and dad are the ones in charge, and then they would finally give in. And suddenly they are hugging and loving on us and far more happy than they were before the struggle. I really think they find comfort in knowing that there is someone in charge who’s looking out for them.

Sleep has improved tremendously since earlier this week. I started lying in bed with Rachel last weekend until she went to sleep (she had been sleeping with us until then). Then I’d get up and go to my bed until she awakened in the night, and I would spend the rest of the night with her. All of our boys slept with us when they were younger. But I have just really had a hard time sleeping with Rachel. Mainly because she keeps was keeping her arms wrapped tightly around me all night, and if I moved her away from me she immediately scooted back up against me. On Wednesday my friend Linda, who has been an absolute lifesaver through all of this, came over in the morning so that I could catch up on my sleep. But we have had a couple of nights this week where she slept six and last night eight hours alone in her bed. She has also relaxed tremendously falling asleep. We will start out cuddling with her arms around my neck. But she soon relaxes, rolls over, and goes to sleep.

Although Titus has been doing pretty good with Rachel. He has had a rough week this week. It’s hardest on him because Rachel very much tries to push him out of the way whenever I’m showing him any individual attention.

The boys usually spend every Friday night with my mom. But this weekend Caleb decided to go to my dad’s house since it’s warm enough for fishing. Eli was going to Granny’s house. Titus wanted to go to Granny’s, but he started running a fever Friday afternoon, so I decided that he needed to stay home. Instead, I asked Mom to keep Rachel for a few hours so that Tommy and I could give Titus some extra attention. We had a wonderful evening playing Webkinz, eating pizza, and then getting the movie Space Buddies to watch. Titus was feeling a little better and just soaked up all the attention. He is such a fun, neat kid.  When we went to pick Rachel up about 8:30pm, he was a different child. He was really trying to be extra nice to her sharing some candy and things with her even though she was not reciprocating the niceness. When I asked Mom how Rachel was, she replied, “She’s great as long as she gets her way.”

In spite of my sleeplessness, I have wanted to post several times this week, so this is really several posts combined. But I’m going to have to stop for now. I’ll share more tomorrow.