I want to share some thoughts I journaled on Monday concerning the adoption. That’s the day I told Tommy we really need a blog so I can share my thoughts about the adoption as we go through it.
I am reading a daily devotional that I received from Ransomed Heart Ministries a few weeks ago on “waiting.” It is about waiting on heaven. But to me it speaks on a different level about the anticipated adoption of our daughter. I just feel such an anxiousness right now concerning our adoption. I know I need to let it go. Let God be in control. I am anxious for our daughter–her safety, how her care now (or early in her life) will affect her. I just desperately want these waiting months to be over. I want to have her now. I have to surrender this to God or it will drive me crazy. I know this. But doing it–that’s a different thing.
This is from the Ransomed Heart daily devotional which is from their book The Journey of Desire:
To wait is to learn the spiritual grace detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest. St.John of the Cross lamented that “the desires weary and fatigue the soul; for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented.” Detachment is coming to the place where those demanding children are at peace. As King David said, “I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child within me.” (Psa. 131:2) Such a beautiful picture, a young one leaning against her mother’s breast. There is no fussing, no insistent tears.
She has learned to wait. The word detachment might evoke wrong impressions.
It is not a cold and indifferent attitude; not at all. May writes, “An authentic spiritual understanding of detachment devalues neither desire nor the objects of desire.” Instead, it “aims at correcting one’s own anxious grasping in order to free oneself for committed relationship to God.”
As Thomas a Kempis declared, “Wait a little while, O my soul, wait for the divine promise, and thou shalt have abundance of all good things in heaven.” In this posture we discover that, indeed, we are expanded by longing. Something grows in us, a capacity if you will, for life and love and God. I think of Romans 8:24-25:”That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy”(The Message). There is actually a sweet pain in longing, if we will let it draw our hearts homeward.
Talking to a friend yesterday she said, “You think you’re ready for something–that God has called you to it. Then you do it, and it brings out things in you that you didn’t know were there.” That’s exactly how I feel. Before this, I would have said that I trust God. But right now it’s not so easy to trust Him as it has been. Maybe that’s why God kept telling me to trust him over and over and over at the Captivating Women’s Retreat I went to last month. He knew that I was going to need to trust Him more–that it’s time to grow in my trusting of Him.
So today I decided that I’m taking a few days off of schooling the boys (we haven’t had our fall break yet anyway) so that I can focus the next week on getting all of the adoption documents in order that I can right now. I’M trying to CONTROL the timing of the adoption–thinking if we get this done quickly that will take a couple of months off of our wait. When in actuality there are no guarantees on how long this whole process will take. The whole thing is truly in God’s timing and His timing is perfect.
So may you learn the spiritual grace of detachment and be enlarged by the waiting of whatever your heart is longing for.
Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement!
We love you all!