Somewhere between being confident that I could stay calm and in control before our home visit on Friday and the actual home visit at 1 pm, I lost it.
I kept telling myself all day Thurday and Friday morning, “I can handle it. I will not go into a cleaning frenzy. I will stay calm. I will control myself.” And I did all of these things–for a while.
Then mid-Friday morning–I lost it. I yelled at the kids (who were not being very cooperative, but still did not deserve to be yelled at). Then I threw myself on my bed sobbing and crying out to God(finally!)
Why, after all the lessons, do I still think I can handle things myself? Why do I turn to God as a last resort? Not that I had not prayed about the situation, but I was still trying to handle things on my own.
My sweet 6-year-old, Caleb, who’s always the first to comfort me when I cry, came to me, laid his head on me and patted me gently on the back. His 3-year-old brother, Titus, who does everything Caleb does, did the same.
Then I called a dear friend who I new would give me some godly encouragement. She reminded me that we both know whenever there is something important like this scheduled the enemy is going to strike. And I could clearly see this in my day. Suddenly I was filled with thoughts like, “What am I doing? I can’t even handle the three kids I have and I’m trying to adopt another?” This is clearly a lie. But trying to handle things on my own left me vulnerable to believing such lies. She also said, “I’ve been to your house, and I don’t think you need to do anything else to your house today. You need to take care of your kids and concentrate on fighting this spiritual battle.” This was very encouraging coming from someone whose home looks like it could be in a magazine everytime I visit. So I took her advice.
And, of course, the home study went fine. Caleb and Titus had a bit more energy than they usually do. They always put on quite a show whenever we have company!
I don’t know why I’m sharing all of this. Maybe I need to get a different blog to share spiritual lessons I’m learning since this just has a little to do with adoption. I guess I just feel like it would help us all if we knew that everyone messed up like this sometimes. That lots of people have days where they lose it. That lots of people struggle with letting God be in control. So I pray that all of this will help someone.