Square Peg In a Round Hole

jill-phillips.jpg

Something I’ve been pondering the past two weeks is the question: why do I have such a deep desire to share myself with others? I’ve decided that one of the main reasons is that I think differently than most people. Much of the time I feel like a complete weirdo. I was so excited when I began reading Sacred Companions: The Gift of Spiritual Friendship & Direction by David G. Benner. Here’s the first three sentences of Chapter 1:

I have always enjoyed travel. Intellectually and spiritually I have also always been on a quest–always restless and always seeking. While recently reading a book about spiritual styles, I was struck to see that it described people within the contemplative style (which fits me pretty well) as on an endless spiritual pilgrimage.

My reaction when I read that was, “OH…MY…GOD! There is someone else like me in the world!” Just those few sentences describe me exactly.

My husband sometimes asks me, “Are you ever going to be satisfied?” The answer is “no”. I am on a journey where there is not a time when I’ve arrived until the other side of eternity. I’m always seeking ways to be a better person and ways to make the world a better place. I do not know how to be another way. And I’m beginning to embrace that. I’ll admit that my attempts used to have some connection to a feeling of guilt due in large part to my religious background, but now it’s just out of gratitude and my belief that it’s the best way possible to live! It comes from a place of such freedom!

The other question Tommy asks me is, “Do you ever stop thinking?” The answer to that is also “no”. For a while we had a cartoon posted on our refrigerator where a husband asks a wife, “What are you thinking about?” She responds with a dozen different things, and then asks him what he’s thinking about. He responds, “Pie.” So this has become a joke between us. Whenever I ask Tommy about what’s been going on with him, he sometimes responds, “Pie.” I have come to accept that he doesn’t always think as deeply as I do although he does at times. And he’s beginning to learn that I just want to know what’s going on with him even if it’s as insignificant as “pie”. I do think this is somewhat of a male/female difference because I have girlfriends who have expressed that they are constantly thinking.

For so many years I never understood why I always seem to be thinking about the greater issues of life when my friends seem to be mostly occupied with decorating their homes, shopping, where to put their kids in school, and just all of the little things that make up life. And hear me say LOUDLY that it is not wrong to think about these things. I’m just saying that I’m different. I cannot help but be concerned about the bigger problems of the world and what I can do to change them. That is one of the reasons that I choose to homeschool my children besides the fact that I love spending every day with them–I feel a calling to intentionally raise children who will make a difference in the world.

I have experienced so many times of frustration with the way that I am. I have just cried out to God at times asking, “Why did you make me this way? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just think about normal things?”

But 2007 was a significant year in my life–one of the most significant thus far. One of the biggest jumps has been learning to embrace the way that I’m created. I may think differently from many people, but God made me this way. And He made me this way for a reason. He has a purpose for me. So I’ve been learning the difficult process of trusting my intuition and my feelings and God’s Spirit living inside me and letting them take me wherever God wants to lead me. And He’s taken me to some amazing places so far!

Years ago I read a quote from Sara Groves’ bio page which I wrote in my journal. I have referred back to it many times just for some reassurance. This quote just struck me in the same way as the excerpt above from Benner’s book–there’s someone else who thinks the way I do.

While she may occasionally wish for an easier road, a sunnier path or at least weaker eyes that didn’t see in such detail the darker side of this life, in the end, she knows she’s right where she belongs. “I can’t help myself. I have to follow Christ everyday. I’ve tried to walk away and I’ve tried to shake this whole thing off. I’d love to not know about the battle between good and evil, but at the end of the day, I’m marked. I’m His and I’m compelled to do the right thing. Realizing that is a tremendous freedom for me.”

I guess that’s where I am right now–the realizing part–because I am experiencing a freedom I’ve never known before. And it’s an amazing feeling!

So why do I feel the need to share myself with others? Because I feel so different from everyone else, I have a longing for a place where I can share myself and be accepted for who I am. I don’t need someone to try to change me or to tell me how to make my life easier. I need a place of complete acceptance that this is the path God has laid out for me. This is the way He created me. While the struggles I experience may seem harder that most people experience, they are such a tremendous blessing and have made me who I am and I would not trade them for anything! So I just need what I believe everyone deep down longs for–a place where we are loved and accepted for exactly who we are.

So to all you folks of the contemplative spiritual style out there–you know who you are–come out! We are few and far between it seems, and we need to stick together. And here’s a song just for you. I have decided that this should be the theme song of my life. It sounds kind of depressing, and sometimes I am sad and frustrated when I sing it. But then there are many times when I can sing it with joy that I am not like the rest and there’s a purpose in that!

Like a square peg in a round hole

I can’t seem to fit their mold

And make my way past the entrance

I’ve had my turn to play

But never understood their game

And much less how someone wins it

Always looking in

Never seem to fit

But you’ve been there before

Do you have a place

For losers in this race

Cause I can’t run it anymore

It is said that the rain will fall

Equally upon us all

And there is no rhyme or reason

Still I find myself surprised

When it seems like its my time

To walk in that rainy season

Always looking in

Never seem to fit

But you’ve been there before

Do you have a place

For losers in this race

Cause I can’t run it anymore

Nothing has turned out as planned

And all I have left is to throw up my hands

You never led me the safe way

And this time’s no different

I’ll walk it again, again

Like a square peg in a round hole

I will never fit that mold

So why even try

Why even try

Always looking in

Never seem to fit

But you’ve been there before

Do you have a place

For losers in this race

Cause I can’t run it anymore

By Jill Phillips

Sorry, Donna, and all you other lyrically challenged people, I couldn’t find a video anywhere. And also sorry that I couldn’t space the lyrics where they are easier to read–I just about went crazy trying. Get me off this crazy thing called WordPress!

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2 Comments

Filed under Honesty

2 responses to “Square Peg In a Round Hole

  1. I was actually reading them till about half way….then I start skimming and thinking “she is doing it again” and then I see my name…

    I was thinking during my time of confession this morning that sometimes I try to be all things to all people to make them fit in. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes it is not. I guess for me it is a middle child thing that I want everyone around me to feel happy and accepted.

    Having said that I do understand what you are saying. I have a lot of the same feelings and deal with a constant level of discontent as I always want things to be better. I think all of the time and am often accused of being too serious. But, the flip side is that I do love to have me some fun. And I can turn all of my energy to fun things when I can.

    Bottom line; I think your longings and thoughts are natural. Not everyone experiences them at the same intensity or even at the same times. We are all different but all wonderfully made. When our goal is to seek a closer walk with Jesus we will be in striving mode a lot. Yet sometimes we just have to be still and let him love us where we are.(here I am talking to me as much as to you….)

  2. Donna, Thanks for sticking around. I think I’ve scared everyone else off. Oh, well, I’m done posting about this. I’m sure I’ll come up with something else I’m passionate about to post on soon.

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