Museums, Chickenheads and Bedtime

It got quiet for a minute, it should have been a sign. The latest look in marker makeup.

Today started off with us having the morning off.  We did get up and talk to folks at home on Skype.  We have decided to take a break from that as it is actally making it worse for Caleb.  We REALLY wish we hadn’t brought him.  I know that everybody says they remember the good and it is a great experience but our little boy is miserable.  He is also now sick, running a low grade fever and that on top of things makes it even harder.  So, my vote is, you want your kids to go to China, send them when they are college age. Seeing the world is a great thing, but you need some perspective to really get much of what you are seeing.

Caleb and I went to the store this morning, I had promised him we would get him another remote control car, Rachel broke his first one.  (Eli nad Titus, you better be placing locks on all the doors, this girl is destructive).

We got two so that we could race them around the hall of the hotel.  Which we did later in the day until the batteries ran out.  We also stopped to get some groceries.  We passed on the chicken feet on a stick, Octopus, etc.  But did get some Oreos and come of the little milks that Suhui likes so much.  (somebody asked about the name.  We are calling her Suhui right now we will slowly add the Rachel and then eventually drop Suhui.)

Then it was time to go siteseeing and check the notory stuff on the adoption.

Suhui wanted to hold GuhGuh’s hand at the museum.

It has been a very stressful 24 hours.  Last night I had Suhui, and everything was going great till bed time. I made her stay in bed and she is so spoiled that it was awful.  Today she was still not wanting to have anything to do with me.  That makes it hard on me but also on Kim, because she wants her to do everything.

We didn’t really get to enjoy the museum due to being exasperated with Suhui and ready to either kill each other or just crawl into a corner and wish we were home.   But that I think made us talk more and clear up some of our frustrations.   I just share this because I am 100% convinced that everyone is a mess.  In someway we are all a mess and maybe somebody else will not feel alone in the stress of adoption.

Tonight we all went down to eat at the Buffet in our hotel.  It wasn’t that good tonight.  Caleb feeling sick and then Kim had gotten Rachel some Chicken she was wanting and then after she sucked on the whole peice the way she does (it sad to watch she eats the whole thing spitting out bones after getting every bit of meat and sinue out of the joints) she spit it out intact.  Kim then realized it was a CHICKEN HEAD!!!!! That will kill your appetite.  Sweet little one, but she eats like a goat.

Tonight we thought we would just let Rachel go till she dropped.  We told her that we were very glad she was in our family, that we would neither one ever leave her, that we loved her, that she was safe with us.  She nodded yes at most of that, but didn’t think I loved her.  That is so hard to see.

Later I was trying to get her to bed and she screamed and screamed and bit and punched finally was willing to laydown by herself and went to sleep.

The calm before the storm.

But now she is sweetly sleeping as is everybody else.  We will have to start over tomorrow, Kim needs her to let me carry her and unfortunetly we can’t leave her unwatched in the room and certainly not anywhere else.  She would literally run away in a crowd and would do who knows what in the room. She is trying so see what she can get away with and has any number of attention getting behavior that aren’t really appropriate.  Either of us telling her no gets met with whining, rocking, or an all out fit.  I expected withdrawn, we got the other end of the spectrum.

But for all the difficulty, I told Kim tonight thank you, because without her desire, I wouldn’t have this beautiful little girl in my life.  Kim said to wait till tomorrow, I would probably be saying “this was YOUR idea!” 😉  Then we both agreed that down the road she better be something extraordinary!  Now don’t tell me she already is.   We know that.

Tomorrow we go pick up some laundry, check out of the hotel, visit the Yellow Crane Tower, go to Suhui’s finding spot and then to the airport.  We are praying that the change of senery will bring some relief.  An occasional familar face, people to talk to and a bit easier time getting around.  I am hoping the plane ride will help Suhui to know we are taking her with us.  We have been told it will take a very long time for that to click in her head, but I hope this will be an early milestone.

Our biggest needs right now are your prayers that we can find the right mix of her having some limits as she apparently has been living with absoluetly NONE out of fear for her heart.  That we will figure out how to set those limits with her. And that we can continue to work together on setting those limits.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Museums, Chickenheads and Bedtime

  1. Kim,

    My name is Betsy and my husband and I adopted our (then) 6 year old daughter from China in November 2007. We have three biological children. They stayed home with family/friends. Leaving them and being so far away from them, was one of the most excruciating experiences of longest duration that I have ever gone through. And it hit me like a ton of bricks the afternoon after we had adopted Miah. In my mind, I had no need to remain in China – we had Miah and now I wanted to go home. But, of course, we couldn’t. The children we left at home were 8, 5 and 2. We talked to them daily. It comforted me that they slept during my China day (and so were not upset) and that I slept through their day.

    Miah’s behavior – the first few days were flawless. Then it was as if reality was hitting her that this was permanent. She would be withdrawn for several hours then come out of it and be her giggly self. When we got to Guangzhou, every day we would have at least one period of rage. It was usually following defiance. We would tell her no and she would do it again and again. We would put her in time-out. Her body stiffened, hands and teeth were clenched and if she had opened her mouth screams would have come out. She would even claw at her fingernails. After awhile it would pass. On reflection, I am glad for these experiences. It was her manifestation of grief and (I think) seeing if we were really going to keep her. If a child grieves, they have successfully bonded with someone and so will bond again. These episodes only happened a couple of times when we got home. Now, when I think back on what she was going through, it is a wonder that she functioned as well as she did. That being said, Kim, I remember, I REMEMBER, the extreme stress of the whole experience. Being away from the my other kids and having a new child, whom I had longed for and was legally mine, but to whom I had no real emotional connection. We were strangers to each other.

    It gets better. And it will be good to be home, where things can begin to fall into a routine.

    Take care,
    Betsy

    • Betsy, I remember following your journey to Miah. Thanks so much for sharing the struggles you had! It makes it a little easier knowing that others have gone through similar things and to here that things will get better.
      Kim

  2. Betsy has perspective that I don’t have. But I appreciate your being real and expressing not only the joy but the frustration that this brings.

    I am praying for you all. I am sorry Caleb is sick and miserable. But he will cherish this memory I am sure.

    Take care and God Speed my friends.

  3. Linda/Robert

    Dearest Tommy and Kim, I am sorry that everyone is feeling so low. I hate that I took Robert to your house. Maybe that hurt way more than it helped Caleb. The boys just seemed to have such a good time. I know that ya’ll being there has been great theropy for me. On the other hand I have become quite obsessed with your experience. I am constantly checking your blog, praying, telling others about you, and asking others to pray. I wake thinking about you and go to bed with you on my mind. I know I do not have the wisdom of adoption, but I do know about adding additions to the family. Think of the things you went through with the boys. We had collic, days and nights confussed, obsession with the moma, breaking of the pasi, weaning… Megan had one (Aubrey) who had to eat every 2 hours and it took 45 minutes to feed him. I say these things to remind you that what you remember of the boys are good days not just bad, but they were there too. Your “rough patches” with Rachel are going to change, but each stage will get easier because you each grow closer to one another. I don’t know how things are with the two of you, but right now things are hard for Bobby and I. Our children are not doing what we want them to do, and we keep expecting the other one to fix the problem. Unfortunately that leaves us both let down with each other. Maybe I should try saying these things to Bobby!!! See ya’ll are great theropy for me!!! I love you both very much!!! You are my very dearest brother and sister!! Give Caleb hugs and kisses for me!! Linda

  4. “she eats like a goat” Please be sure to tell her dates that story! I have laughed for 10 minutes.

    I am SO sorry y’all have having all the frustrations but I can’t wait to hear more stories about this adventure.

    When you get back let us know more about her heart condition.

  5. Aimee Weathers

    You know what? I applaud you for your truthfulness. Its blogs like this that I am sure I will remember during my trip to China, and its YOUR blog that will be encouraging to me when I have the same feelings Thank your for being real.

    I DO think that your little girl is grieving. And she is testing to see if you will stick around. I love her spunk, Just think what she can do for Jesus with that spunk!

    Loving your posts each day…

    aimee

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